Monday, December 6, 2010
“Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.”
they're there for a reason.
they're there to help you.
but I never seem to learn from my mistakes, and I never seem to listen to my instincts.
thank you instincts for trying to be there for me, trying to help me make decisions, trying to guide me in the right direction.
if I had just been smarter, maybe I wouldn't be in the mess I am now.
- I can't fall asleep
- I can't concentrate on 4u (then again I never can)
- I can't pretend to be fine with it all
thank you instincts for trying. thank you instincts for trying. for trying.
will it be okay tomorrow?
I just want it to be okay. I want to close my eyes, and I want it to be okay.
many times I've wanted to run away, I did once, it felt good at the time.
11pm the sky was close to black. I remember. I was running, and it was cold, but I was crying and I was concentrating on the stars which kind of looked like UFOs because everything was so blurry. I wasn't wearing any shoes, so my feet kind of hurt on the asphalt of our street, and I was wearing shorts and a tee so I was really
cold, and I just kept looking ahead. I didn't know where I was going. it was scary I didn't want to run too far, but I didn't want to stay too close. I was scared I'd get raped, so I ran really really
fast. I was running out of breath sure, but I was running away. life, death everything and nothing
was the same that moment. I've still got those bruises and scars on my arm, those wounds I inflicted on myself. I'm a terrible person, and I'm a sinner. weak, mental, anonymous
(you don't know me)
instincts, thank you for trying. for trying. for trying.
should I run away again. physically, emotionally, spiritually? either one? it's thrilling, sensational, a bad thing I know. but sometimes we seek to be bad. we seek to do wrong. hell I want to drink myself silly after HSC. I want to drink for the purpose of getting drunk. hell that's messed up. fuck it I'm human.
instincts, thank you for trying.
I need you.
because sometimes it feels as though no one else is there.
we all need someone there.
can you hear me?
Labels: emotional, epiphany